Maxie's Pantyhose

I was really late this morning. For some odd reason my alarm did not ring. I guess it could have been the fact that I forgot to set it last night; But, you'd think that out of consideration to me it would have set itself so that I would have had a chance to be on time. When the loud roar of the garbage truck outside my window woke me up, I only had a half hour to get ready and out the door. Instantly awake, I jumped out of bed and lumbered into the bathroom. No time for a shower, I stuck my dry mop of hair under the faucet. As the force of the cold water hit my scalp, I yelped and jerked my head up right into the tip of the spout. "Ouch, crap!" I ignored the smallish stream of blood that was now mixing with the luke warm water and proceeded to shampoo my hair, scrubbing extra hard where I was cut to try to stop the bleeding. I decided that I would forgo the conditioner (which was a gamble). But, I thought that staic head was better then really late head. Rinsing out the shampoo, I reached for my toothbrush and hurriedly brushed my teeth while I let my hair drain over the tub, my poor head throbbing the whole time. Sniffing my pits, I really wished that I could have taken a shower, but my secret and maybe on top of that my suave would have to do for today. After a quick swipe of both, I rinsed my toothbrush and fled back into my room. Luckily I semi prepared myself for being late and the night before I had set out my outfit. Although, as I tugged on my blue and white stripped button down cotton shirt, I started second guessing my choice of outfits. Does this look like I am trying too hard? Am I sure I should wear a skirt and not the pant suit that I love? The skirt is a little tight... would I look tougher, like I could handle things better if I went with the pants? But then what shoes would I wear? I could..."Oh Crap!" I shook my head and told myself that even if I wanted to change, there was no time and the skirt would be FINE! I decided to dry my hair before I put on the skirt. So, back into the bathroom I went. I dug through the cupboard until I found my hair gel, root pump, round brush, Velcro curlers, and the blow dryer. Hastily applying gel and root pump, I plugged my dryer in and proceeded to dry my limp, short damp blond hair. I could immediately tell that I skipped the conditioner as my round brush got tangled in a clump of hair. Feeling frustrated, I yanked and lo and behold, a clump of blond came out as well as the brush. Angry now, I threw the brush across the bathroom where of course it hit and broke the Anne Geddons picture of the sleeping naked baby. "Crap, crap, crap!" I did not have time to sweep up the glass, so I laid a towel over it and proceeded to dry my hair using the brush as sparingly as possible. Once dry, I ratted and sprayed to cover up the bald spot. Finely done with that, I glanced at the clock and noticed I still had fifteen minuets. Ahhhh...I was half way ready to go out the door. I got out my makeup bag and as my habit is, lined up the make up in the order that I put it on. First the base, then the black eye liner, then the nude, brown and green eye shadow, then the dark black mascara and finely the light pink blush. Going in order, I had my make up done and put away in record time. Now, back to my room where I grabbed my control top pantyhose and shoved one foot into them. As I was pulling them up, my nail snagged on part and rrriiippp. Hoping that I could hide the rip by tucking it into my shoe, I kept pulling. Yep, that was not going to happen as the rip kept on ripping up the whole leg. "Oh crap o la!" I was in big trouble now. These control top pantyhose were the key to my whole outfit! Reason being that the skirt I wanted to wear was really two sizes too small. My hope was that the control top would create a miracle. Last night I laid in bed envisioning stuffing my thick legs like sausages into each pantyhose leg, yanking, pulling and heaving them up the rest of the way. Then, tucking the extra "skin" around my middle into the control top, and finely looking in the mirror and seeing a beauty with skinny brown legs, a thin stomach, thighs that barely touch in the middle and a nice tight butt. Now, my vision was completely ruined. I would have to try the skirt without the miracle control top. Sighing, I grabbed the skirt , forced my legs into it and looked down. "Yeah, right Maxie", I said to myself, "If you can zip AND button this up, it really would be a miracle! " Giving myself every advantage, I laid down on my bed, breathed in and zip...only half way. Feeling very defeated and fat, I quickly went through my other options. One, I could call them and say I am in the hospital, two, I could buy some control tops on my way and hope they work, three, I could try tapping my middle with...no, that is stupid, okay, three I could wear my pant suit. Seeing my obvious answer, I stood up and peeled the skirt away from my body vowing to not eat until it fit. Kicking and stomping on my pantyhose on the way to my closet, I slipped and went down hard on my knees. "Crap it all!" I yelled. Wincing, I got up, hobbled the rest of the way to the closet, ripped out my pant suit and yanked it on. I was so over trying to look my best so I grabbed a pair of navy heels, jammed my feet into my socks, stuffed my toes into my heels and looked in the mirror for the final judgement. Grimacing at myself I muttered, "this is as good as it is going to get today, so own it!" Immediately my face took on the look of someone resigned do do something unpleasant with as much dignity as possible. I heard the taxi outside honking. "Alright, now or never..."

As I was sitting in the back of the smoke smelly cab, my head ached, I had a bald patch, I felt like I looked fat, my knees were sore and as I crossed my legs, I noticed that I had on one black sock and one blue. I sighed, well, I considered, this is the real me. Take me as I am or not at all! At least I will be on time...